Ever heard of Chris Voss?
The former FBI lead hostage negotiator with the calm voice that could soothe a lion.
Yeah, that’s the one.
The reason I want to talk about him today has very little to do with negotiating and everything to do with listening.
His book, "Never Split the Difference," is my Bible for negotiation and communication.
If you're my client, consider it mandatory reading.
And if you're not, well, you should still grab a copy.
Here's the scoop on why it's a must-read for all my clients.
So, what's the big idea according to Chris?
Life is one big negotiation.
Crossing the street?
Negotiation.
Grabbing latte?
Negotiation.
Even calling a meeting is a negotiation.
And here's the kicker – life isn't fair.
You get what you negotiate.
How?
Talk less, ask more and stay curious for a bit longer.
I've never liked the term "active listening." I prefer to call it "proactive." Listening is always active by default, but good listening is proactive in nature. You're making space for someone else to speak. You're generating conversation through listening. You're more than just being present, you're anticipating. - Chris Voss
Check out his approach here.
Proactive listening involves hearing, understanding, and letting the other person know they're heard.
Two techniques – mirroring and labelling – make it work like magic.
To label, start with “It seems like," “It feels like," or “You sound like" instead of using the usual "I" statements.
You’ll create a built-in safety net and show you understand the other side’s position or attitude.
When is the right time to use a label?
Anytime but, especially when you want to neutralize negative emotions in a negotiation, switch from questions to labels.
“It looks like something just crossed your mind.”
“It seems like you’re uncomfortable with that.”
“It seems like you’re hesitant.”
“It seems like you have a reason for saying that.”
“It sounds like there is nothing I can say to get you to change your mind.”
“It seems like the value is just not there for you.”
The other technique is a mirror.
Repeat 1-3 words from the last sentence the other person said and voila.
You're showing you're tuned in. (while helping them to think through the problem.)
“I’m really upset that I missed my bus this morning."
"You missed your bus?”
Combine mirroring and labeling, and you become the Sherlock Holmes of conversations.
They are great information-gathering tools you can use to build trust with almost anyone you meet.
In his Masterclass video, Chris pulls off a mind-blowing reflective listening session.
He chats with a woman about escape room games by simply mirroring and labeling.
The woman didn’t know much about Voss.
Yet - and here's the amazing part - when she was asked later how she felt about the exchange, she said, "It made me feel like he was listening to me."
That's the magic of true listening.
Voss: "Tell me what you're passionate about."
Woman: "Well, I love escape room games."
Voss: "What is it about escape room games that makes you passionate?"
Woman: "They're fun to do with your friends, and they're immersive, and it challenges your mind."
Voss: "It challenges your mind?" [mirroring]
Woman: "Yeah, you only have 60 minutes to get out. There are a series of puzzles you have to solve to get out."
Voss: "It sounds like you love mental challenges." [labeling]
Woman: "I do. It's an immersive experience, like being part of a play...You also try to make it the best experience for others, so they enjoy it too."
Voss: "It also sounds like you really like to help people." [labeling]
Woman: "I guess I do. I never really thought about it like that."
Voss: "You sound like a really loyal person, too." [labeling]
Woman: "Ah, that's nice to say. My friends do say that about me!"
Now, let me hit you with a stat from consultant Sydney Yoshida who was working with Japanese car manufacturer Calsonic.
Only 4% of an organization’s front-line problems are known by top management, 9% are known by middle management, 74% by supervisors and 100% by employees.
Let me repeat that.
Only 4% of an organization's front-line problems are known by top management.
Proactive listening, my friends, is the key to uncovering the other 96%.
Why guess when you can know, right?
Approach every conversation with a curious mind.
Here's a thought.
Ditch setting goals, embrace standards.
Make mirrors and labels your listening standard.
They’ll help you understand the real problems, not just the tip of the iceberg seen by top management.
Next time you find yourself talking to a barista, ask her how she’s doing, throw in a label and watch how much more information she shares with you.
She’ll look at you as though you’re from another planet - all because you’re actually listening.
Here's your homework.
Talk less, stay curious, mirror, label, and for the love of good communication, grab a copy of "Never Split the Difference."
Your team will thank you.
Until next time, keep it bold and keep it simple.
PS. Do you struggle to set yourself apart from your competitors? Does your tone of voice lack a little personality? Either way, get in touch and I’ll help you become remarkable. Or get more communication advice that doesn't suck here.
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